How to have sex in 25 simple steps

Married men are dumb. They have no idea what the hell they are doing in most cases and need step by step instructions for everything, including sex.

So, from my years of marriage, I thought I'd share some pearls of wisdom to help you out. Learn from my (in)experience.

1. If you have kids, send them to their grandparents.
2. Buy your wife a all inclusive fully paid day ticket to her favorite spa
3. Now don't get comfortable, there's a lot of work to do
4. Start by spending a couple of hours on vacuuming the house
5. Give up after 2 hours and call a professional maid
6. Don't stare at her while she cleans under the couch
7. Wash the dishes (okay, load the dishwasher)
8. Go out and order the best food in town
9. Buy some expensive wine and shit
10. Buy her something expensive (doesn't matter what)
11. Pick up a dozen roses on the way back
12. Send her a lovely cheesy message on how you are missing her. Add a smiley in the end
13. Return home, set the dinner table, heat the food, pour the wine
14. Light some nice smelling candles and stuff - try not to burn the house down
15. Call your wife a cab to pick her up from the spa
16. Take a shower, dry your self, take another shower.
17. Put on some cologne that she likes (even if you hate it)
18. Ding dong! she's back. Open the door. Give her a big smooch!
19. Say something about how nice she looks, how great her hair smells, etc etc.
20. Have dinner, drink wine, get drunk.
21. Sit on the couch, stay away from the sports channels. Turn on a nice romantic chick flick
22.Give her a neck massage, cuddle a little bit
23. Take her upstairs in your arms, put her in bed, throw a blanket on her.
24. She  just had the best time of her  life (the one with you in it).
25. Turn off the light and go to sleep


Now if you are a woman, you are content and pleased by now.
If you are a man, you are probably confused. "Wait, what the heck? When do we actually reach the sex part?" Hah. So naive!