Married men are dumb. They have no idea what the hell they are doing in most cases and need step by step instructions for everything, including sex.
So, from my years of marriage, I thought I'd share some pearls of wisdom to help you out. Learn from my (in)experience.
1. If you have kids, send them to their grandparents.
2. Buy your wife a all inclusive fully paid day ticket to her favorite spa
3. Now don't get comfortable, there's a lot of work to do
4. Start by spending a couple of hours on vacuuming the house
5. Give up after 2 hours and call a professional maid
6. Don't stare at her while she cleans under the couch
7. Wash the dishes (okay, load the dishwasher)
8. Go out and order the best food in town
9. Buy some expensive wine and shit
10. Buy her something expensive (doesn't matter what)
11. Pick up a dozen roses on the way back
12. Send her a lovely cheesy message on how you are missing her. Add a smiley in the end
13. Return home, set the dinner table, heat the food, pour the wine
14. Light some nice smelling candles and stuff - try not to burn the house down
15. Call your wife a cab to pick her up from the spa
16. Take a shower, dry your self, take another shower.
17. Put on some cologne that she likes (even if you hate it)
18. Ding dong! she's back. Open the door. Give her a big smooch!
19. Say something about how nice she looks, how great her hair smells, etc etc.
20. Have dinner, drink wine, get drunk.
21. Sit on the couch, stay away from the sports channels. Turn on a nice romantic chick flick
22.Give her a neck massage, cuddle a little bit
23. Take her upstairs in your arms, put her in bed, throw a blanket on her.
24. She just had the best time of her life (the one with you in it).
25. Turn off the light and go to sleep
Now if you are a woman, you are content and pleased by now.
If you are a man, you are probably confused. "Wait, what the heck? When do we actually reach the sex part?" Hah. So naive!
Comic Husband
I joke about my married life for the greater good of 'man'kind.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Why men watch porn
No, this is not a psychological analysis of why married men watch porn. For that, head over to www.psychologytoday.com
Men watch porn. No surprise. Married men watch porn too. Big surprise!
As I mentioned earlier, men always have sex on their mind. I mean always. So they desperately try to find some woman every Friday night in a bar. It's a constant struggle. Life is hard.
Eventually, at some point in his 30's, as the hairline receeds like daylight before sunset, the guy decides to settle down. After a little bit of courting, some poor woman finally says yes (probably out of frustration, but mostly out of confusion) to his marriage proposal and he thinks "Yes, finally! I can stop searching for sex. I have 'arrived' ".
And from here on, it all goes downhill. You see, something happends to a woman's sex drive after she gets married. It .... just ....disappears!
Now the guy is confused. "Wait, what ... you don't want to have sex? Why not? Oh a headache. I understand. What's that, like the 30th headache this month? We should see a doctor about that".
So he does what he has been doing since the age of 12. Watch other people have sex (hopefull online).
Can you blame the guy? God gave him an amazing sex drive, with a nitro booster and 10 speed gearbox. But he forgot to add brakes. Pathetic!
Men watch porn. No surprise. Married men watch porn too. Big surprise!
As I mentioned earlier, men always have sex on their mind. I mean always. So they desperately try to find some woman every Friday night in a bar. It's a constant struggle. Life is hard.
Eventually, at some point in his 30's, as the hairline receeds like daylight before sunset, the guy decides to settle down. After a little bit of courting, some poor woman finally says yes (probably out of frustration, but mostly out of confusion) to his marriage proposal and he thinks "Yes, finally! I can stop searching for sex. I have 'arrived' ".
And from here on, it all goes downhill. You see, something happends to a woman's sex drive after she gets married. It .... just ....disappears!
Now the guy is confused. "Wait, what ... you don't want to have sex? Why not? Oh a headache. I understand. What's that, like the 30th headache this month? We should see a doctor about that".
So he does what he has been doing since the age of 12. Watch other people have sex (hopefull online).
Can you blame the guy? God gave him an amazing sex drive, with a nitro booster and 10 speed gearbox. But he forgot to add brakes. Pathetic!
Yes, I stare at other woman's bottoms
If as a guy, you tell me you never look at another woman's ass, I am going to say you are a fucking liar.
We can't help it. We are genetically pre-dispositioned to get turned on by looking at bottoms.
If you are a woman (and still reading at this point), you are probably fuming. You've most likely already labeled me a pervert (I don't disagree with your analysis, but for other reasons).
But here's the thing, it doesn't mean anything. Men can't help it. It's not like we are going to act on the impulse and do anything. But if evolution makes me do something, I have to oblige. We deserve to be cut some slack here.
Ladies, think of your man as a dog. If he see's a female dog in heat (yes, I know what it's called. I'm trying to be nice here), the dog finds it exciting. But eventually, he comes back home to his sweet doggy wife taking care of their litter of 10 puppies.
So let your dog ...err ... man observe. And instead tease him about it. Be playful. He can control his gaze only so much, but at the end of the day, he will wag his tail only for you.
We can't help it. We are genetically pre-dispositioned to get turned on by looking at bottoms.
If you are a woman (and still reading at this point), you are probably fuming. You've most likely already labeled me a pervert (I don't disagree with your analysis, but for other reasons).
But here's the thing, it doesn't mean anything. Men can't help it. It's not like we are going to act on the impulse and do anything. But if evolution makes me do something, I have to oblige. We deserve to be cut some slack here.
Ladies, think of your man as a dog. If he see's a female dog in heat (yes, I know what it's called. I'm trying to be nice here), the dog finds it exciting. But eventually, he comes back home to his sweet doggy wife taking care of their litter of 10 puppies.
So let your dog ...err ... man observe. And instead tease him about it. Be playful. He can control his gaze only so much, but at the end of the day, he will wag his tail only for you.
Why men should thank women
Admit it, if you are a guy, you were thinking about sex.
That's what guys do. It's our thing. It's our super power.
We can think about sex anytime of the day, any place on Earth.
America just got a black president? Great! I was thinking about sex.
A meteorite is going to crash on the Earth and kill us all ? Great! One more reason to have sex.
But if you really look at the common married guy, you have to wonder "What the hell did his wife have to go through for her to agree to even be in the same bed as that guy?"
I mean, look at a monkey. It's not very different from a man. Sure, we've evolved (supposedly).
But despite thousands of years of "evolution", I find it difficult to distinguish myself from one, other than my ability to string together a couple of coherent words in a sentence.
Let's take a closer look:
Most men are just as hairy as a monkey, almost always as horny, make the same cheeky grin when trying to pick up women in a bar, pound our chests when we are angry and given a choice would prefer to walk around the house with their equipment hanging freely.
Phew! All this monkey talk has psyched me out! I have this overwhelming desire to thank my wife now... maybe that will get her in the mood ? *wink*
That's what guys do. It's our thing. It's our super power.
We can think about sex anytime of the day, any place on Earth.
America just got a black president? Great! I was thinking about sex.
A meteorite is going to crash on the Earth and kill us all ? Great! One more reason to have sex.
But if you really look at the common married guy, you have to wonder "What the hell did his wife have to go through for her to agree to even be in the same bed as that guy?"
I mean, look at a monkey. It's not very different from a man. Sure, we've evolved (supposedly).
But despite thousands of years of "evolution", I find it difficult to distinguish myself from one, other than my ability to string together a couple of coherent words in a sentence.
Let's take a closer look:
Most men are just as hairy as a monkey, almost always as horny, make the same cheeky grin when trying to pick up women in a bar, pound our chests when we are angry and given a choice would prefer to walk around the house with their equipment hanging freely.
Phew! All this monkey talk has psyched me out! I have this overwhelming desire to thank my wife now... maybe that will get her in the mood ? *wink*
Whats the worst thing about being married?
You know what is the worst part about being married (for the guy) ?
No, its not the constant complaining, or the in-laws, or the need for 60 minutes of foreplay before sex (that's a whole other blog post) ...
It's the inability to fart whenever and wherever I please.
When I was single, I could let one go whenever I wanted to "let one go". In the kitchen when I was cooking a meal (okay, making Ramen), before going to bed, after getting up, before writing blog posts, after writing blog posts... you get the idea.
The sheer freedom of having control over my flatulence was amazing. I miss that.
Maybe someone can invent a mute button to my farts. That would be convenient.
No, its not the constant complaining, or the in-laws, or the need for 60 minutes of foreplay before sex (that's a whole other blog post) ...
It's the inability to fart whenever and wherever I please.
When I was single, I could let one go whenever I wanted to "let one go". In the kitchen when I was cooking a meal (okay, making Ramen), before going to bed, after getting up, before writing blog posts, after writing blog posts... you get the idea.
The sheer freedom of having control over my flatulence was amazing. I miss that.
Maybe someone can invent a mute button to my farts. That would be convenient.
What the fuck is this blog about?
Seriously, do you even care ?
It's a blog about my married life. There, are you satisfied?
Who am I ? Why am I anonymous?
Apparently, you are not married yet. If I really tell my wife what's really on my mind, I wouldn't be married in the first place. In fact, no man would be. Hence, like a true coward, I post on this blog, anonymously. (yes, I clear my browser history after every post).
It's a blog about my married life. There, are you satisfied?
Who am I ? Why am I anonymous?
Apparently, you are not married yet. If I really tell my wife what's really on my mind, I wouldn't be married in the first place. In fact, no man would be. Hence, like a true coward, I post on this blog, anonymously. (yes, I clear my browser history after every post).